Juniper Orange Whole Cranberry Sauce

I've never used juniper berries in anything before, so when I can upon an entry on them in an online culinary reference site I decided I'd get some and start using them. Of course, it being the season, I immediately decided to make some experimental cranberry sauce with it.

Prep time  10 mins.

Cooking time  about 1 hour

Est. servings  10 - 12

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 1 (12 oz.) package whole cranberries


• 1½ cup water


• ½ cup orange zest, in strips and sliced ½-inch wide.


• 4 juniper berries, mashed slightly


• ½ cup light agave nectar


• ½ cup evaporated cane juice

Directions

1. In a small sauce pot on medium heat simmer the water with the sugar, agave, juniper berries, and orange zest in it for about 30 minutes.


2. Remove the juniper berries and add the cranberries and stir, then reduce the heat to medium-low once it starts to boil and allow to simmer partially covered for 30 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes or so.


3. Let the sauce cool then refrigerate for at least an hour before serving, cool or at room temperature.

Next Time in the Lab

Heh, this turned out pretty good, and interesting. Kind of reminds me of gin, unfortunately. I'm thinking I'll use a little less juniper and add some ginger and another ingredient or two to round out and mellow the flavor a bit. This may end up becoming my sweetest cranberry sauce.

• Reduce the juniper berries used from 4 to 3.


• Add ½ tsp. fresh ginger, shredded and mashed.


• Add 1 whole clove to the water with the orange zest and juniper berries, also to be removed with the juniper berries when the cranberries are added.


• Add 1 star anise wedge to the water with the orange zest and juniper berries, also to be removed with the juniper berries when the cranberries are added.


• Use the juice of the two oranges with the water, so the total liquid remains at 1½ cups.

Ambrose Bierce's Spicy Pork Enchiladas

This is another instance of me making something delicious out of a vague idea of how I want it to taste without any research or experience to base it on. I was originally shooting for a spicy al pastor marinade for a pizza idea, but ended up making these enchiladas instead. I decided to name it after Ambrose Bierce, who probably got shot in Mexico for being a smartass.

Prep time  1 hour 45 mins.

Cooking time  45 mins.

Est. servings  5

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

pork & marinade

• 1½ lb. pork shoulder (1 lb. if lean)


• 3 cups water


• 2 tbsp. low-sodium vegetable base


• 1½ cup tomato, diced medium


• ⅓ cup white onion, diced small


• 1 tbsp. serrano, diced small


• 1 tbsp. garlic, diced small


• 1 tbsp. fresh cilantro


• 1 tbsp. red wine vinegar


• 1 tbsp. fresh lemon juice


• 1 tsp. paprika


• 1 tsp. oregano


• ¼ tsp. cayenne


• ¼ tsp. celery seed


• ⅛ tsp. ground clove


• ⅛ tsp. cinnamon powder


• ⅛ tsp. nutmeg powder

veggie filling

• ½ cup white onion, diced small


• ½ cup green bell pepper, diced small


• ¼ cup cilantro, chopped small


• 1 tbsp. serrano, diced small


• ½ whole avocado, sliced thinly


• ½ tsp. lemon juice


• 1 tsp. olive oil

the rest

• ½ cup water


• 1 tsp. all-purpose flour


• 1 tbsp. cocoa powder


• 1 pkg. 10 10-inch flour tortillas


• 4 oz. Tillamook Vintage White Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, shredded

Directions

cooking & marinating the pork

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F.


2. Sear the pork shoulder on both sides in a large pan on medium heat for 10 minutes, 5 on a side.


3. Wrap the pork shoulder in foil and place on the middle rack of the oven once it's preheated and cook for 30 mins. You want it to be slightly undercooked.


4. In a large saucepan or medium pot add all the other ingredients and set it aside on low temperature on a burner to wait for the pork to be finished.


5. Once the pork is finished in the oven let it cool a bit and cit into bite-sized pieces, trimming off as much fat as you can.


6. Add the pork to the marinade when finished and cover and simmer on low for an hour to fully cook the pork and release the marinade's flavor.


7. Let the pork and marinade mixture cool then transfer to a freezer bag or a sealed mixing bowl or container and let it sit in the refrigerator overnight.

making the sauce and the filling

1. Reheat the pork and marinade on medium-low until the marinade thins so it's easier to remove the pieces of pork. Once it's ready, remove the pieces of pork and transfer to a medium or large mixing bowl and shred the pork with a masher and set aside.


2. Pour the marinade into a food processor and puree thoroughly, then transfer to a small sauce pot on low temperature and allow the sauce to simmer while adding the cocoa powder and flour slurried in the ⅓ cup water. Partially cover the sauce pot and simmer the sauce for about half an hour or until the sauce is reduced to about the consistency of a thick tomato puree, being sure to stir ever ten minutes or so and preventing the sauce from coming to a full boil.


3. While the sauce is simmering add all the veggie filling ingredients to a medium pan on medium heat and saute, stirring constantly, for five minutes.


4. Add the veggie ingredients to the shredded pork and mix thoroughly together.


5. It would be a good idea to shred the cheddar cheese, too, and clean up while you wait for the sauce to finish cooking.

final assembly & cooking

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F and spray or lightly grease a 9"-by13" casserole pan.


2. Pull out five or size tortillas and fill each with about ⅔ cup of the filling, topping with the sliced avocado, then fold the sides in and roll like burritos, placing each tamale so that the edge of the tortilla is on the bottom.


3. Pour the sauce — you should have about 1½ cups of it — evenly over the enchiladas.


4. Once the oven is preheated cover the casserole pan in foil and bake in the oven for 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and remove the foil, then add the cheese over the top of the enchiladas and replace the casserole pan in the oven uncovered for fifteen minutes to thoroughly bake the cheese.


5. Let the casserole sit for about 10 minutes to cool before portioning and serving.

Next Time in the Lab

Not enough meat! This recipe is great but only ended up yielding five tamales instead of the full ten I wanted. So, other than a couple very minor adjustments, all I really need to do is double everything.

• Double the pork shoulder to 2 lbs. lean, 2½ fatty.


• Increase the water and soup base to 6 cups and 4 tbsp. base.


• Increase the onion in the marinade to 1 cup.


• Increase the tomato in the marinade to 2½ cups.


• Increase the garlic in the marinade to 2 tbsp.


• Omit the use of cilantro in the marinade.


• Substitute 1 tbsp. white vinegar for the 1 tbsp. red vinegar in the marinade.


• Substitute and increase to 2 tbsp. lime juice for the 1 tbsp. lemon juice in the marinade.


• Add 1 tsp. ancho chili powder to the marinade.


• Increase the oregano in the marinade to 1 tbsp.


• Increase the cayenne in the marinade to ½ tsp.


• Increase the celery seed in the marinade to ½ tsp.


• Increase the cinnamon in the marinade to ½ tsp.


• Increase the ground clove in the marinade to ¼ tsp.


• Increase the nutmeg in the marinade to ¼ tsp.


• Increase the onion in the veggie filling to 1 cup.


• Increase the bell pepper in the veggie filling to 1½ cups.


• Substitute 2 tbsp. red jalapeño for the 1 tbsp. serrano in the veggie filling.


• Increase the cilantro in the veggie filling to ⅔ cup.


• Substitute 1 tsp. lime juice for the ½ tsp. lemon juice in the veggie filling.


• Increase the avocado in the veggie filling to 1 whole avocado.


• Increase the water used to finish the sauce to ⅔ cup.


• Increase the flour used to finish the sauce to 2 tsp.


• Increase the cocoa powder used to finish the sauce to 4 tsp.


• Increase the cheese to garnish the enchiladas to 8 oz.


• Add 1 cup diced tomato as a finishing garnish.

Chili-Mac Casserole

For a while there I had some silly notion that I was too aristocratic to eat such proletarian fare. I probably thought this because I invariably associated chili mac with food-box end-of-the-month desperation and snaggle-toothed trailer park gourmands. It was just a phase, I guess.

Prep time  15 mins.

Cooking time  1 hour 20 mins.

Est. servings  12

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

casserole

• 2 cups large elbow macaroni


• 1 lb. lean ground beef


• 1½ cups green bell pepper, diced small


• 2 tsp. habanero pepper, diced fine


• 1 tbsp. garlic, diced fine


• 2 tbsp. fresh cilantro, chopped small


• 1 tbsp. chili powder


• 1 tsp. cumin


• 1 tsp. oregano


• 1 (6 oz.) can tomato paste


• ¼ tsp. black pepper


• ½ tsp. salt


• 1/16 tsp. cinnamon


• 1/16 tsp. nutmeg

topping & garnish

• 8 oz. monterey cheese, shredded


• 8 oz. Tillamook Vintage White Extra Sharp Cheddar cheese, grated


• ½ cup tomatillo


• ½ cup annaheim pepper


• ¼ cup white onion


• 2 tbsp. fresh cilantro


• 2 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lime juice


• 1 tsp. white vinegar

Directions

1. In a medium to large pot on medium-high heat boil the noodles in roiling water for 10 minutes, drain and set aside.


2. In a large frying pan or sauce pot on medium heat cook the ground beef until it's evenly cooked, constantly crumbling the beef with a spatula until it's of a fairly fine consistency. This will take about 15 minutes.


3. Add the peppers, onion, garlic, and cilantro to the beef and cook for an additional 5 to 7 minutes, stirring constantly.


4. Drop the temperature down to low and add the tomato paste and spices to the meat and vegetable and let it simmer for about half an hour, preferably covered partially. Add water 1 tablespoon at a time if necessary to keep moist; you want a fairly thick consistency, like that of a good sloppy joe sauce.


5. Preheat the oven to 350°F while the sauce is simmering. Once the sauce is finished cooking pour it in with the macaroni and stir thoroughly and pour into a lightly sprayed or greased casserole pan. Cover the pan with foil and set in the oven on the middle rack and let cook for 20 minutes.


6. While the chili mac is baking in the oven grate and mix the cheeses and set aside. Add all the other topping ingredients to a food processor and puree until the result is a smooth green salsa. Set aside.


7. After the chili mac has baked in the oven for 20 minutes remove from the oven and remove the foil. Evenly spread the grated cheese over the top of the chili mac, followed by an even layer of the green salsa. If you prefer, you can just buy a 7-ounce can of green chilis and use that to top the cheese with instead. Return to the oven uncovered to bake for fifteen minutes or the cheese is just slightly burned around the edges.


8. Remove and let cool on the counter for 10 minutes before portioning and serving.

Next Time in the Lab

Hey, this is pretty tasty! Better than anything I've seen cobbled together out of a food box or in a trailer park, at least. Still, I'd like a bit more of a casserole, and perhaps some diced tomato would make for a great garnish, too.

• Increase the ground beef to 1½ lbs.


• Increase the bell pepper to 2 cups.


• Increase the white onion to 1½ cups.


• Increase the garlic to 2 tbsp.


• Increase the cilantro to 3 tbsp.


• Add a single (14 oz.)can of diced tomato to the casserole.


• Add about a cup of diced fresh tomato to the garnish.

Butternut Squash Chicken Pot Pie

I've always wanted to make one of these but I usually forgot the inspiration soon after it hit me. Don't ever bother with that Marie Calendar's crap again, is my suggestion.

This is the recipe for the filling only. You'll need to make or buy the crust for it. HERE is a great recipe for one 9" pie; you'll need to double it for the crust.

Prep time  45 mins to 1 hour

Cooking time  N/A

Est. servings  6 - 8

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

Filling

• 1 lb. chicken breast meat


• ½ cup sweet onion, diced medium


• 1 cup butternut squash, diced medium


• 1½ cup crimini mushrooms, diced medium


• ¼ cup chives, diced small

Sauce

• 1 (14 oz.) can low-sodium chicken broth


• ⅓ cup unsalted butter


• ½ tbsp. and 2 tsp. olive oil


• ⅓ cup all-purpose flour


• ⅔ milk, 2%


• ¼ tsp. rubbed sage


• ⅛ tsp. celery seed


• ⅛ tsp. black pepper


• ⅛ salt


• 1 dash (about 1/16 tsp.) nutmeg

Directions

Filling

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F and bake the squash whole for forty-five minutes or until an inserted fork pulls out easily and clear. Halve and peel and dice medium, then set aside.


2. While the squash is baking steam the chicken breasts whole (it will require about one large to three small ones) for twenty minutes, then dice medium and set aside.


3. In a small saute pan on medium heat in ½ tbsp. oil saute the mushrooms and chives for five minutes, stirring frequently, and set aside with the other meat and vegetable ingredients in a medium mixing bowl or similar container, making sure to mix it all up a bit.

Sauce

1. In a small sauce pot (minimum 5 cup capacity) on low heat slowly melt the unsalted butter.


2. When the butter is melted completely raise the temperature up to medium and add the onion and cook for fifteen minutes or until they are translucent and are just starting to caramelize. Stir two or three times while cooking to avoid scalding the butter and cooking the onion unevenly.


3. Lower the heat to medium-low and add the 2 tsp. olive oil and spices and whisk the flour in a half at a time. Once the flour is mixed in well cook the resulting roux for five minutes, stirring frequently — you want it to have a slight sheen to it.


4. Whisk half of the milk in and mix thoroughly in until there's no lumps or clumps of roux, let sit for a couple minutes, then whisk in the remaining half while stirring frequently. Let the mixture cook for five minutes, stirring a couple times to make sure everything is mixed well and is starting to thicken.


5. Add half a can of the low-sodium chicken broth, stirring it in like the previous steps, let sit for a couple minutes, then stir in the remaining half. Mix well and let the mixture cook for about fifteen minutes. Lower the temperature to medium-low if necessary to prevent the sauce from coming to a complete boil — a simmer is what you want.

Finally

1. When you're ready to bake the pie, which is usually done at 450°F to 475°F for about half an hour, fill the pie tin — covered in the bottom layer of dough of course! — first with the meat and vegetable mixture and then with the sauce. You definitely want the sauce to be warm if you refrigerated it because otherwise it won't fill in well and most of it will just lay on top of the meat like a sated lion.

Next Time in the Lab

What a hit this turned out to be! I don't think I've ever had such a filling, ingredient-packed pot pie and I'm pretty sure I won't eat a frozen one again unless I'm standing in line for an emergency food drop or that's all there is to eat in a dinghy I'm stuck adrift out at sea in. A little more squash would be nice, though.

• Increase the butternut squash to 1½ cups.


• Increase the chives to ⅓ cup.

Spiced Cranberry Jelly

I had to make a jelled cranberry sauce for someone who prefers gelled over whole berry sauce, and I think I may actually be sold on it. You just can't get the flavor or the beautifully rich and creamy texture in a can, not even at a Whole Foods. This is pretty tart, by the way; I don't like how many manufacturers and individuals drown out the natural flavor in sweeteners.

Prep time: 5 mins

Cooking time: 1 hour 15 mins

Est. servings: 6 - 8

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 1 (12 oz.) bag whole cranberries


• 1 cup water


• ¾ cup sugar (I use evaporated cane juice)


• ¼ tsp. fresh ginger, grated fine


• ¼ tsp. lemon zest


• 2 whole cloves


• 1 star anise wedge (about the size of a large clove)


• ¼ tsp. cinnamon


• ⅛ tsp. allspice


• ⅛ tsp. nutmeg

Directions

1. In a small sauce pot on medium heat add water, sugar, lemon zest, grated ginger, and spices until the water starts to roil.


2. Turn the temperature down to medium-low and add the cranberries. Cook uncovered for ten minutes, making sure the sauce never comes to more than a simmer.


3. Turn the temperature down to low and transfer the cranberry sauce mixture to a food processor and process for two to three minutes to ensure the cloves and star anise wedges are ground well down.


4. Transfer back to the sauce pot and cover, cooking on low for an hour, checking every fifteen minutes or so to stir and watch the water level. Add two or three tablespoons of water after half an hour. You want it to be reduced down slightly and pretty thick, but not so much that it has a hard time sliding off a spoon when the spoon is held at about a sixty-degree angle.


5. Transfer back to the food processor and process again, this time for just a minute to break up more plant fibers.


6. Allow to cool for half an hour, covered.


7. Place a fine metal mesh straining screen over a medium mixing bowl and spoon the sauce a half-cup at a time over it and with the back of a spoon spread around and press the liquid through, trying to get as much as can be gotten into the bowl. Scrape the fiber and throw away, then repeat the above until all of the sauce is strained thoroughly. Straining it one more time will get rid of all but the most persistent and fine plant and spice matter.


8. Place the jelly in a container and let cool in the refrigerator for at least four hours before serving.

Placing the sauce in the refrigerator overnight before straining will result in a more spicy sauce, but one that may be so spicy as to occlude the cranberry taste.

Next Time in the Lab

The only thing I can imagine I'd do to change this is to see how replacing the two cloves with a juniper berry or two will affect the flavor. Other than that, I consider this sauce to be perfect.

• Substitute 1 juniper berry for the two cloves.

Rhubarb Sorbet

Again, I was left wondering "What in hell am I going to do with all this rhubarb"? when like a javelin flung by the mighty Xerxes I an icy shard of an idea struck me: sorbet! Which I much prefer over ice cream and sherbet, and is also a culinary adventure for me because I've never made it before.

Prep time: about 1 hour to 1½ hours.

Cooking time: none.

Est. servings: 10 -12.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 4 cups rhubarb, chopped ½".


• ⅔ cup evaporated cane juice


• ¼ light agave nectar


• 2 tbsp. fresh lemon juice


• ¼ tsp. fresh ginger, mashed


• 3 cups water

Directions

1. Heat up water, sugar, and lemon juice in a large sauce pan on medium heat, stirring to absorb the sugar into the water. When it reaches a boil add the rhubarb and ginger and simmer for 10 minutes or until rhubarb is tender.


2. Process the mixture with the light agave nectar until the mixture is smooth.


3. Cool the mixture in an ice bath in a container until it's cool to the touch and then place in the freezer for half an hour to cool further, checking every 10 to 15 minutes to ensure none of it gets frozen. You want it somewhat cooler than it would be when refrigerated.


4. Add the mixture to an ice cream maker of your preferred variety. For those of you who have no ice cream maker there's various ways to make sorbets and iced creams by hand described HERE.


5. Before serving let stand at room temperature for about 5 minutes to soften, no more than 10 minutes.

Next Time in the Lab

Seems a tad too sweet to me, though a friend of mine thought it was just fine. Nonetheless, I think I'll eliminate the sugar and just use light agave nectar, and maybe see if a smidgen of lime zest would work well with it.

• Eliminate the ⅔ cup of evaporated cane juice and substitute with ½ cup light agave nectar, making the total light agave nectar used ¾ cups.


• Add ½ tsp. lime zest.

Sweet and Sour Red Cabbage Slaw

I had some red cabbage sitting in my fridge and jägerschnitzel lunch tryst with my Moon Goddess looming deliciously on the horizon of temporal nearspace that was begging for a complimentary side to the Germanic meatiness, so this is what I cobbled together. This is definitely some good picnic material.

Prep time: about 20 mins.

Cooking time: none.

Est. servings: 8.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 2 cups red cabbage, sliced half-length julienne


• 1 cup white onion, sliced half-length julienne


• 1 cup apple (gala, Fuji, or braeburn preferably), sliced half-length alumette


• 1 cup carrot, peeled and sliced half-length alumette


• ¼ cup extra virgin olive oil


• 2 tbsp. apple cider vinegar


• 1 tbsp. fresh lemon juice


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. Is it too much work to just toss everything in a large mixing bowl and mix it all up? I didn't think so. Just be sure to stir it all up periodically while it's in the fridge, and to not start eating it until it's festered for at least half a day.

Next Time in the Lab

Hmm, I really like how this turned out, so I'm not sure what I'd do with it. In fact, I think I'll just leave it alone, because any even slight modification I can think of entails some kind of omission or addition that I feel will mar the delicate balance of flavors.

Pomegranate Chicken

An inspiration struck me in a flash shortly after making my last Kung Pao chicken — pomegranate! I was thinking of something along the lines of a variation of a hybrid General Tso's and Kung Pao chickens, the goal in mind being a slightly earthy and fruit dish that's sweet, tart, and spicy like General Tso's is. It's when I get adventurous and creative like this that I enjoy cooking the most.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

main

• 2 chicken breasts, cubed (about 1 cup, packed)
• ¾ cup shallot, halved axially and sliced thinly
• 1 cup carrot, half-length alumette
• ½ cup lemon zest, strips sliced in half
• 1 tbsp. light agave nectar
• 1 tbsp. water
• 1 star anise
• about 15 tien tsin peppers (about ⅓ cup, or medium handful)
• 2 tbsp. sesame oil

marinade

• 3 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce
• 1 tbsp. rice vinegar
• 1 tbsp. garlic, fine diced
• 1 tbsp. ginger, fine diced
• 1 tbsp. water
• 1 tbsp. corn starch

sauce

• 1 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce
• 3 tbsp. pomegranate juice
• 1 tbsp. rice vinegar
• 1 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lemon juice
• 2 tbsp. light agave nectar
• 1 tbsp. garlic, fine diced
• 1 tbsp. ginger, fine diced
• 1 tbsp. corn starch

Directions

1. In a small bowl or container combine the marinade ingredients and mix thoroughly until the starch is dissolved, then immerse the chicken in it and cover and let marinate in the refrigerator for at least a couple hours, preferably overnight. A small sealable plastic bag is ideal for this purpose.
2. When the chicken is done marinating drain it well in a strainer and set aside while heating sesame oil at medium-high temperature in a wok or large frying pan. At the same time combine the lemon zest, water, and agave nectar in a small saucepot and start simmering on low heat, stirring constantly.
3. When the oil just starts to smoke add the star anise and cook until it starts to blacken and you can smell a strong aroma from the pan, then add the tien tsin peppers and cook them until they start to blacken and their pungent aroma wafts out of the pan, stirring or swirling constantly all the while. This should take about three to four minutes.
4. Add the chicken and cook, stirring constantly, until it whitens on all sides, then add the shallots and carrots and cook for about five minutes, stirring constantly.
5. Drop the temperature to medium and add the lemon zest and pour in the sauce and simmer, stirring constantly, for about five minutes.
6. Remove the wok or pan from the heat and immediately pour each serving over a portion of rice to enjoy right away as an entre, preferably served with a vegetable side of some kind.

Next Time in the Lab

I like the sauce, but want to make slight modifications to it to render it a bit more fruity and tangy. It was a mistake leaving the tien tsin peppers whole, and so they will be crumbled into pieces next time. As for the use of lemon zest, that was a huge mistake and made the dish taste off every time I bit into one; I think I'll just keep it simple next time and only add green onions for vegetable. The marinade can be simpler, too.

• Omit the garlic and ginger and the corn starch from the marinade.
• Break the tien tsin peppers into pieces roughly a quarter-inch wide.
• Substitute 2 cups diced green onions for all the vegetables (and fruit) added to the chicken, adding at the moment of serving the dish.
• Increased the pomegranate juice from 3 tbsp. to 4 tbsp. in the sauce.
• Omit the lemon juice from the sauce.
• Substitute 1 tbsp. kumquat juice for the 1 tbsp. rice vinegar in the sauce.

Rhubarb Coleslaw

A neighbor of mine gave me a small bundle of rhubarb not too long ago and I started trying to figure out what I could make with the stuff, that isn't some kind of dessert. This was one of my ideas.

Prep time: about 25 mins.

Cooking time: none.

Est. servings: 7 or 8.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 2 cups rhubarb, half-length julienne


• 2 cups red cabbage, half-length julienne


• 1 cup apple (gala, fuji, or braeburn), half-length julienne


• 1 cup carrot, half-length julienne


• ½ cup Greek-style plain low-fat yogurt


• 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar


• 1 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lemon juice


• 2 tbsp. light agave nectar


• 1 pinch (about ⅛ tsp.) salt

Directions

1. Just toss it all in a large mixing bowl and mix it up well then leave overnight in the fridge, stirring occasionally.

Next Time in the Lab

Hmm, I don't know about this. It's the rhubarb, it's just too tough and maybe a tad too bitter. The next time I try this, I'm going to blanch the rhubarb in steam for a couple minutes and then remove the outside layer. Other than that, this seems like a promising side dish, so I'm going to keep working on it.

• Steam the rhubarb for 2 - 3 minutes and peel away the tough outside layer before assembly.


• Peel the apples before assembly, too.

Basic Walnut Basil Pesto

What do you do with all that basil left over from the lasagna or padh Thai? It's not going to last more than a few days in the fridge, you, no matter what you do with it. Meet pesto, the magical Italian presto chango! Need a quick breakfast to carry to the bus stop? Just add bagel and rocotta. Too tired to cook dinner? Just add a dab of butter and your favorite past and heat up and stir. See? This stuff's just too rad!

Prep time: about 30 mins.

Cooking time: none.

Est. servings: 16.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 4 oz. fresh basil, with stems


• ⅔ cup chopped walnut


• 1 tbsp. fresh garlic


• ½ cup grated aged Asiago cheese


• ½ cup extra virgin olive oil


• ¼ tsp. black pepper


• 1 dash (about 1/16 tsp.) cumin


• ½ tsp. salt

Directions

1. Cant get much simpler than tossing everything into a food processor, maybe in incremeents if its kind of small, and blasting the hell out of it all until it becomes a nice paste.

Next Time in the Lab

The only thing I can think of to do with this is increase the garlic slightly, but I'm pretty satisfied with how this turned out. I just don't want any one component to overpower the others.

• Increase the garlic from 1 tbsp. to 4 tsp., maybe as much as 2 tbsp.

Sichuan Kung Pao Chicken

Kung pao chicken has always been one of my favorite Chinese dishes, but I've never gotten a chance to taste the authentic Sichuan version of the dish. Well, I finally got around to learning how to make it, and this is probably going to fire up my palate at least three times a year. The subtle numbing and tingling of the Sichuan peppercorns is the most notable difference between this Chinese version and the Americanized one that's so familiar to people on this side of the Pacific; it's an experience every lover of Chinese cuisines ought to try at least once.

Prep time: about 20 mins.

Cooking time: about 15 mins.

Est. servings: 4.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

main

• 2 chicken breasts, cubed (about 1 cup, packed)


• ⅓ cup shallot, sliced thinly


• ¾ cup green onion, chopped


• ½ tsp. Sichuan peppercorns, crushed with the flat of a knife


• 10 dried tien tsin peppers, chopped


• 2 tbsp. sesame oil

marinade

• 3 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce


• 4 tsp. rice vinegar


• 1 tbsp. water


• 1 tbsp. corn starch

sauce

• 5 tsp. light agave nectar


• 3 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce


• 1 tbsp. rice vinegar


• 1 tbsp. garlic, crushed with salt (below)


• 1 tbsp. fresh ginger, peeled and grated finely


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. In a small bowl or container combine the marinade ingredients and mix thoroughly until the starch is dissolved, then immerse the chicken in it and cover and let marinate in the refrigerator for at least a couple hours, preferably overnight. A small sealable plastic bag is ideal for this purpose.


2. When the chicken is done marinating drain it well in a strainer and set aside while heating sesame oil at medium-high temperature in a wok or large frying pan.


3. When the oil just starts to smoke add the Sichuan peppercorns and cook until they start to blacken and you can smell a strong aroma from the pan, then add the tien tsin peppers and cook them until they start to blacken and their pungent aroma wafts out of the pan,stirring or swirling constantly all the while. This should take about three to four minutes.


4. Add the chicken and cook, stirring constantly, until it whitens on all sides, then add the shallots and cook for about five minutes, stirring constantly.


5. Drop the temperature to medium and pour in the sauce and simmer, stirring constantly, for about five minutes.


6. Remove the wok or pan from the heat and add the green onion and stir for a few seconds and then immediately pour each serving over a portion of rice to enjoy right away as an entre, preferably served with a vegetable side of some kind.

Next Time in the Lab

This dish is just too much damn fun! I think my favorite part is cooking the peppers in the beginning, my nostrils tingling and my eyes stinging from the aromas rising out of the pan. I'd eventually like to try making this with a Sichuan white wine and the black Chinese vinegar I've heard of, but for now I want to just change the vegetables a little and add crushed cashews (I forgot I was out of peanuts when I made this). And maybe add some more tien tsin peppers.

• Increase the shallots used to ½ cup.


• Add ⅔ cup thinly sliced (half-length alumette) carrot, added with the shallot.


• Add ½ cup crushed unsalted cashews, added with the chicken.


• Increase the tien tsin peppers used to 15 (ouch!).

Garlic Pesto Veggie Pizza

If you're going to make money selling food, you've got to cater to the vegetarians, at least here on the West Coast you do. Not that that's a bad thing, not necessarily. I used this deviation from the carnivorous as an excuse to try a different base: basil pesto — seemed appropriate.

Prep time: about 45 mins.

Cooking time: 15 - 20 mins.

Est. servings: 4 - 5

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

pre-requisite

• Enough dough to make one 17" pizza


• 2 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil


• ¼ cup basil pesto

main

• 1 cup green bell pepper, diced


• 1½ cup portabella mushroom, diced


• 1 cup red onion, sliced julienne


• 1 cup tomato, diced


• 48 medium cloves garlic, roasted


• 1 cup feta cheese, crumbled

cheese

• 1 lb. low-moisture mozzarella


• 4 oz. asiago (hard)


• 4 oz. pecorino romano

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 500ºF and make sure the rack you're going to use is in the middle or just a tad lower.


2. Knead and roll out the dough on a clean, floured surface until it's thin and large enough a disc to just cover the pizza screen. Or hand-toss it if you've got mad dope skills. Optionally you can sprinkle some sesame seeds on the top of the dough and flip upside down.


3. Place the dough on the screen and stretch it out just a little bit so you can roll the edges to the edge of the screen, just not too thick or uneven.


4. With a basting brush evenly spread the olive oil on the dough, followed by an even layer of basil pesto spread by the back of a spoon.


5. Add the feta cheese on top of the base, making sure it's evenly distributed.


6. Add all the vegetable ingredients but the tomato, taking special pains to ensure the roasted garlic cloves are evenly spaced.


7. Sprinkle the asiago and romano cheeses, making sure they're evenly mixed and cover the pizza uniformly. It helps to mix these two cheeses in a bowl or some kind of container beforehand.


8. Sprinkle the mozzarella evenly on top, followed by the diced tomato as a garnish, again making sure there's even distribution and proper coverage to the inside of the rim of the pizza


9. Place the pizza on the screen on the middle rack of the pre-heated oven, turning every five to seven minutes, for about fifteen minutes or until the crust is golden brown.


10. Remove and transfer to a serving surface and allow to cool ten minutes before slicing and serving.

Next Time in the Lab

Not at all bad! But, not quite exotic enough, and I'm thinking this pizza can use a bit more garlic.

• Increase the roasted garlic coves to 64 (probably about two full medium bulbs — large cloves can be halved and small ones can count as half cloves).


• Substitute a cup of shaved delicato squash for the cup of bell pepper.


• Substitute ¾ cup shopped green onion for the cup of red onion.

Tomato Chili Sauce

Took me a little bit to come up with a name for this because there's all kinds of chili sauces, like Asian Sriracha and my beloved sweet chili sauce. i honestly have no idea why people use ketchup at all, when this has so much more flavor and really makes things like meatloaf and Boston baked beans shine. Problem is, the jarred crap in the grocery stores sucks.

Prep time: about 20 mins.

Cooking time: about 1 hour.

Est. servings: 50+

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 2 large red bell peppers (about 3½ cups)


• 1 medium red jalapeño (about ⅓ cup)


• 1 (14 oz.) can tomato pureee


• 1 medium yellow onion (about 2 cups)


• 1 tbsp. molasses


• 3 tbsp. sugar


• ¼ tsp. salt


• ¼ tsp. black pepper


• ⅓ cup apple cider vinegar


• 2¾ cups water

Directions

1. Combine all of the ingredients in a food processor and process until everything is pureed together nicely.


2. Transfer to a large covered pot and simmer for half an hour on medium-low, then uncover and reduce the heat to the lowest setting above warming. Stir periodically and add water by the half- or quarter-cup as needed.

Next Time in the Lab

Hmmm, another thing I'm not entirely sure what to do with, being on virgin territory. I suppose adding some garlic, another jalapeño, and a couple spices wouldn't hurt. It's really quite decent as it is, so I don't want to mess with it too much.

• Add another medium red jalapeño pepper.


• Add 1 tbsp. garlic.


• Add 2 tbsp. basil.


• Add 1 tbsp. oregano.


• Add ¼ tsp cumin.


• Add a dash (1/16 tsp.) nutmeg.


• Increase the sugar to 4 tbsp.

Smoky Pascilla Chipotle Adobo

I've always wanted to make an adobo sauce, ever since I started using those canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce. I can't say that I've succeeded or failed, except that it does taste smoky, does taste kinda adobo, and it even tastes pretty good. Goes to show you how Gringo I am, I guess.

Prep time: about 20 mins.

Cooking time: about 1 hour.

Est. servings: 50+.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 10 dried pascilla peppers


• 10 dried ancho peppers


• ⅔ cup yellow onion


• 2 tsp. garlic


• 1 tsp. cumin


• 2 tsp. oregano


• ¼ tsp. salt


• 4 tbsp. apple cider vinegar


• 3 cups water

Directions

1. Combine all of the ingredients in a food processor and process until everything is pureed together nicely.


2. Transfer to a large covered pot and simmer for half an hour on medium-low, then uncover and reduce the heat to the lowest setting above warming. Stir periodically and add water by the half- or quarter-cup as needed.

Next Time in the Lab

Hmmm, I'm not so sure what I'd do next with this, except try to cut some of the smoke down and incorporate other flavors in order to make it taste less like licking a burnt stick. Yeah, it does taste good, I said, but it's too one-sided in flavor, if that makes any sense.

• Reduce the pascilla peppers to 8.


• Reduce the ancho peppers to 6.


• Change the onion to a white one and increase the amount used to 1 cup.


• Add 1 14 oz. can tomato puree.


• Increase the garlic to 2 tbsp.


• Increase the oregano to 1 tbsp.


• Increase the water to 3½ cups.

Mild Tomatillo Salsa Verde

You pretty much have to make the stuff from scratch if you're going to want something that doesn't taste like a bland, watery version of the green slime that traumatized Alanis Morisette's childhood. Fortunately, making salsas is about as difficult as watching You Can't Do That on Television.

Prep time: about 15 mins.

Cooking time: about 1 hours.

Est. servings: about 24.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 4 tomatillos, husked


• 2 medium Annaheim peppers


• ½ yellow onion (about 1 cup)


• 1 tbsp. garlic


• ⅔ cup cilantro


• ½ tsp. salt


• Juice of 1 lime (about 1 tbsp.)


• 1½ cups water

Directions

1. Combine all of the ingredients in a food processor and process until everything is pureed together nicely.


2. Transfer to a medium covered pot and simmer for half an hour on medium-low, then uncover and reduce the heat to the lowest setting above warming. Stir periodically and add water by the tablespoon as needed.

Next Time in the Lab

A little heat is called for, but what I really think this salsa needs is a cilantro reduction — I sometimes forget how easy it can be to overpower a dish with that stuff.

• Add 1 medium serrano pepper.


• Change the onion to a white one and increase the amount used to ⅔ cup.


• Reduce the cilantro to ½ cup.


• Add ½ tsp. oregano.


• Add ¼ tsp. cumin.


• Add 1 dash (1/16 tsp.) nutmeg.


• Decrease the salt to ¼ tsp.

Coney Island Sauce

Some douchebag bought Nick's Famous Coney Island and fucked up his sauce, so I decided to work on making my own version of the famous waist-expansion boardwalk diet. It's basically a sweet meat sauce, like a chili made by a drunk diabetic Mexican having a low blood-sugar moment. Don't let that dissuade you, however; it's quite delish!

Prep time: about 10 mins.

Cooking time: about 35 mins.

Est. servings: 6 - 8.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 1 lb. 85% ground beef


• 1 cup yellow onion, diced


• ¾ cup green bell pepper, diced


• ¾ cup tomato, diced


• 1 tbsp. garlic, diced fine


• ⅔ cup pitted Kalamata olives, halved


• 4 tbsp. tomato paste


• 1 tbsp. parsley


• ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper


• 1 pinch (⅛ tsp.) salt


• 2 tbsp. sugar


• 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar


• 1 cup water

Directions

1. In a large saucepan on medium heat cook the ground beef until it's mostly browned, cutting it down into small chunks constantly with a good heat-resistant spatula. You want it to be as fine a texture as you can manage to.


2. Add the onion, bell pepper, and garlic and cook for another five minutes, stirring constantly.


3. Add the rest of the ingredients and drop the temperature down to medium-low as soon as the liquid starts to bubble. Reduce it down to a thick chili-like consistency, stirring every five to seven minutes, which ought to take about 20 minutes.


4. Serve on an open all-beef hot dog with your choice of additional condiments, covering the entire dog and both halves of each bun with it.

Next Time in the Lab

Too sweet. And maybe a little too meaty, too.

• Increase the ground beef to 1¼ lbs.


• Increase the green bell pepper to 1 cup.


• Increase the diced tomato to 1 undrained 14 oz. can diced tomato.


• Increase the garlic to 2 tbsp.


• Increase the Kalamata olive to 1 cup.


• Increase the tomato paste to 6 tbsp.


• Increase the salt to ¼ tsp.


• Increase the apple cider vinegar to 2 tbsp.


• Add 1 tbsp. basil.


• Add 1 tsp. black pepper.


• Add ¼ tsp. ground fenel.

Chicken Pad Thai .. and I Don't Care!

That's right, wave your hands in the air like you just don't care! One great thing about living on food stamps is that you can cook all those delicious dishes without having to convince the public that you really aren't panhandling for cheap booze. This is Thailand's national dish, a sort of Southeast Asian goulash or chili in how many variations on the theme there are. A great summer dish, too.

Prep time: about 25 mins.

Cooking time: 15 - 20 mins.

Est. servings: about 4

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

main

• 8 oz. (dry) rice pad Thai noodles


• 1½ lb. chicken breast, cubed


• 4 eggs, beaten


• ¼ cup dried arbol chilies, chopped


• 2 cups bean sprouts


• 1 cup carrot, half alumette


• ½ cup green onion, chopped


• ½ cup peanuts, crushed


• 2 tbsp. sesame oil

sauce

• 3 tbsp. sesame oil


• 2 tbsp. peanut sauce


• 1 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce


• 2 tbsp. rice vinegar


• 4 tbsp. fish sauce


• 1 tbsp. fresh lime juice


• 4 tbsp. & 1 tsp. light agave nectar


• ½ tsp. garlic, mashed


• ¼ tsp. ginger, grated fine


• 1 pinch (about ⅛ tsp.) salt

garnish

• lime wedges (2 per plate)


• 1 cup fresh cilantro, chopped (¼ cup per plate)

Directions

1. Mix the sauce ingredients together in a small bowl or container and set aside to marinate in the fridge for at least an hour. (mash the garlic with the salt.)


2. Boil the rice noodles for about ten minutes and then drain and set aside in a bowl with enough cold water to cover them.


3. In a large wok or frying pan on medium-high heat sauté the chicken in the sesame oil until it turns white but before it browns, about 5 - 7 mins.


4. Add the dried arbulo and beaten eggs and stir-fry until the eggs are firm, about 5 mins.


5. Add the carrot and sauce and cook for another 5 mins.


6. Drop the temperature down to medium and add the rest of the ingredients and simmer for about 5 mins., stirring constantly.


7. Serve immediately with the garnish on the side or applied to each plate.

Next Time in the Lab

The flavor was pretty close to right-on but the sauce was too thin. It could have used a little more heat, too..

• Substitute ⅓ cup dried Tien-Tsin peppers for the ¼ cup dried arbol peppers.


• Substitute ½ cup fresh cilantro for the ½ cup green onion.


• Add ⅔ cup sliced shallots, to be added with the carrot when carrot and sauce when cooking.


• Substitute 1 tbsp. chili oil for 1 tbsp. of the sesame oil in the sauce.


• Substitute 1 tbsp. creamy natural peanut butter for the peanut sauce in the sauce.


• Substitute 6 tbsp. evaporated cane juice or turbinado sugar for the light agave nectar in the sauce.


• Add a small leaf of basil (about ¼ tsp. when rolled or bunched up) to the sauce while it marinates and leave the sauce to marinate at least 4 hours, preferably overnight. Remove it before adding the sauce when it comes time to cook the dish.

Asiago-Stuffed Bell Peppers

This is something I threw together with the last of some of the items I had in the fridge, so it's very much a prototype. Stuffed bell peppers really make a great meal, the sort of thing that goes perfectly with a small side of soup — maybe a squash soup.

Prep time: about 50 mins. (incl. filling)

Cooking time: about 35 mins.

Est. servings: 4

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 4 green bell peppers, tops cut off


• ½ lb. mild Italian pork sausage


• 1 cup brown Basmati or jasmine rice


• ⅓ cup portabella mushroom, diced


• ¼ cup red onion, diced


• 1 tsp. garlic, mashed


• 3 capers, mashed with garlic


• ¼ cup Asiago fresco cheese, grated


• ½ cup chicken broth


• 1 cup water

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F and make sure a baking pan or sheet of tin foil is on the middle rack.


2. In a large saucepan on medium heat cook the rice in the water and the chicken broth, adding water as needed until it's fully cooked and fluffy. It's brown rice, so this will take 40 - 45 mins.


3. While you at it and out there, may as well cook the other stuff. In a large frying pan on medium heat start cooking the sausage, crumbling into fine chunks with a good heat-resistant spatula. After it's mostly browned add the mushroom, red onion, and mashed garlic and caper and cook for an additional 10 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from the heat and set aside.


4. Once the rice is fully cooked add the sausage and vegetable mixture to the rice and fold into the rice, adding the Asiago in two increments and stirring thoroughly to ensure it'ss blended evenly in.


5. Gently stuff the bell peppers with the filling to the tops of the peppers and cover each of them with their tops to ensure the contents remain moist. Bake for 30 - 35 mins.

Next Time in the Lab

Yeah, I didn't even use any spices; I figured the sausage, cheese, and the capers would suffice. Close, but not quite cheesy enough and the filling can use a hint of tartness that Asiago suggests.

• Increase the portabella to 1 cup.


• Increase the red onion to ⅔ cup.


• Add ½ cup cilantro.


• Increase the garlic to 1 tbsp. and mash with ¼ tsp. salt.


• Increase the capers to 6 and mash with the garlic and salt.


• Add ¼ tsp. white pepper.


• Add 1 tsp. white vinegar

Chili Asparagus Soup

I found myself sitting on a pile of asparagus after I cut the tips off for the side of spicy chili garlic asparagus I prepared a week ago. What to do? This is the result, pretty much an off the top of my head creation that panned out surprisingly well. One great thing about asparagus is that it makes your pee and poop stinky — I'm so mature.

Prep time: about 10 mins.

Cooking time: about 1½ hours.

Est. servings: 2.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 1 bunch (about 2 cups) asparagus, minus tips


• 6 (about 2 tbsp.) dried arbulo peppers


• 1 tbsp. fresh garlic


• ⅓ cup green onion, chopped


• ¼ carrot, shredded


• 1 (14 oz.) can low-sodium chicken broth


• 1 tsp white vinegar


• 1 tbsp. unsalted butter


• 2 tbsp. all-purpose flour


• ¼ tsp. cumin


• ¼ tsp. salt


• ⅛ white pepper

Directions

1. Steam the asparagus, using 2 to 2½ cups water, for about ten minutes or until the asparagus is soft.


2. Process the asparagus with 1 cup of the water left over from steaming and the garlic and dried arbulo peppers, until the asparagus is pureed and the peppers broken into small pieces.


3. On medium-low heat in a medium pot (min. 2 qt. capacity) melt the butter and then add the flour o1 tbsp. at a time, whisking with a fork until a thick roux is formed, then continue to cook and stir for about five minutes.


4. Turn the temperature up to medium and add 6 oz. of the water left over from steaming the asparagus, whisking until the roux is well blended into the liquid and a thickened uniform mixture results and begins to bubble from the heat. Then add the chicken broth, one half a can at a time, stirring and waiting for the mixture to bubble like with the water left over from steaming the vegetables. You want to do this to ensure a properly uniform texture, without the texture being mealy or the soup tasting like flour.


5. Add the processed puree, white vinegar, green onion, carrot, and spices and turn the temperature down to low and allow to simmer for half an hour, stirring once or twice, never allowing the soup to come to a full boil. After half an hour drop the temperature down so that the soup just remains hot but doesn't simmer, for at least half an hour but preferably an hour and a half. Add a little water every now and then if needed.

Next Time in the Lab

Fresh peppers would probably be better, and less of them since they overpowered the asparagus a bit.

• Substitute 3 fresh arbulo peppers for the 6 dry ones, and dice them finely instead of processing them in with the asparagus.


• Increase the green onion to ½ cup.


• Increase the carrot to ⅓ cup.

Summer Dill Salad

I found a recipe for a salad like this on a tag on some carrots I bought at a store one day, years ago, and this is the result of my effort to recreat it. This is the perfect summer picnic side, slightly tangy and sweet, to accompany the potato or macaroni salad.

Prep time: about 10 mins.

Cooking time: none.

Est. servings: 8.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 2 cups red onion, small dice


• 2 cups carrot, peeled and small dice


• ⅔ cup fresh dill, chopped fine


• ⅓ cup extra virgin olive oil


• ½ cup apple cider vinegar


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. Just toss it all in a mixing bowl and stir so that everything is evenly distributed and coated with the liquid solution. Place in the fridge for at least four hours — preferably overnight — stirring occasionally.

Next Time in the Lab

I think this calls for some cucumber!

• Add 1⅓ cup small-diced cucumber.


• Reduce the red onion to 1⅓ cup.


• Reduce the carrot to 1⅓ cup.

Spicy Chili Garlic Asparagus

There's a couple Thai restaurants in town that have served two variations of this, one breaded and fried and the other swimming in a sauce. I decided to make a much simpler variation that's primarily a marinade but was crafted as a simple side for a padh Thai dish I made for a friend of mine. The next time I make these, I have a feeling they'll go into some bloody maries.

Prep time: about 5 mins.

Cooking time: none.

Est. servings: 2.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• Thin asparagus tips from 1 lb. bunch asparagus


• 4 tbsp. chili garlic paste


• 1 tbsp. low sodium soy sauce


• 2 tsp. rice vinegar


• 1 tbsp. sesame oil


• 1 tsp. fresh ginger, grated


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. It doesn't get any easier than this: just mix everything but the asparagus tips and pour into a sealable bag, add the asparagus and remove as much air as you can and fold so all of the asparagus is immersed in or covered by the marinade. Cook it however you like, or let it sit in the fridge for a day or two and eat raw or rinse off and stick into bloody maries.

Next Time in the Lab

I always cringe when I read the non-food ingredients on these bottles, so I'm going to make my own chili garlic paste next time and use that. Adding some fresh basil also sounds good, and maybe I'll try a dab of hoisin to see how it affects the flavor.

• Make 4 oz. of chili garlic paste by processing 4 arbulo peppers with 1 cayenne pepper, 1 Thai pepper, 1 medium clove of garlic, 1 tsp. rice vinegar, 1 tsp. water, and ¼ tsp. salt.


• Add 1 fresh basil leaf (about 1 tsp.) and process with the paste.


• Add ¼ tsp. hoisin sauce.


• Omit the additional ¼ tsp. salt.


• Add ½ — 1 tsp. water to thin slightly if necessary.

Creamy Mustard Potato Salad 2

About as American as hamburgers, no summer picnic or barbecue can be complete without one. Unfortunately, I can't stand the garbage sold in the stores and what most people make because the potatoes are undercooked, they're swimming in a veritable ocean of mayonnaise, or there's those chunks of hardboiled egg in them that are awkward for my palate. Time to show niggs how it's done. This recipe is a continuation.

Prep time: about 30 mins.

Cooking time: about 30 mins.

Est. servings: 12

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 4 large Russet potatoes (about 8 cups)


• ½ cup yellow onion, small dice


• 3 tbsp. pitted Kalamata olives, quartered


• 3 tbsp. dill pickle, fine dice


• 3 tbsp. diced pimento


• 1 egg, hard-boiled


• 4 tbsp. mayonnaise


• 2 tbsp. plain lowfat yogurt


• 1 tbsp. yellow mustard


• 2 tbsp. dill pickle juice


• 2 tbsp. Kalamata olive juice


• ½ tsp. mustard powder


• ¼ tsp. white pepper


• ½ tsp. salt

Directions

1. Prep the dill pickle, kalamata olives, pimentos, and yellow onion and set aside in a small bowl. There's no need to excessively drain the juice, but do drain a litle.


2. In a small bowl mash the hardboiled egg until it's a fine, almost powdery consistency. Add the 2 tbsp. yogurt (or substitute with additional mayonnaise if that's more convenient)
and 2 tbsp. mayonnaise, the 1 tbsp. yellow mustard, the kalamta olive and dill pickle juices, and the mustard powder and the white pepper and the salt, and stir with a fork until it's all blended well. Set aside in the refrigerator, covered.

3. Peel and halve the potatoes and set to steam for about thirty minutes, until they're fully cooked and the outsides are soft. If you're using smaller potatoes it can take only twnety to tweny-five minutes, so at around twenty minutes check every five to make sure you don't overcook your potatoes.


4. Once the potatoes are cooked and have cooled enough to work with, cut them in roughly ¾" cubes and place in a large (at least 2½ qt. capacity) mixing bowl and pour the liquid emulsion solution you set aside into it, along with the preped vegetables. Fold everything into the potatoes, adding mayonnaise one tablespoon at a time. You want a creamy consistency, but using the least amount of mayonnaise necessary; the soft outsides of the potatoes will crumble into the mixture and thicken the potato salad, also. Two more tablespoons of mayonnaise should work, but don't worry about adding an extra one if need be.


5. After everything is blended consistently cover and refigerate for at least four hours — preferably overnight — before serving. A light dusting of paprika and sprinking of fresh parlsey make a great garnish.

Next Time in the Lab

It seemed a little bland to me, so I figure while a couple ingredients may have been extraneous, I could have increased the mustard flavor a bit and aded a touch more salt.

• Increase the yellow mustard added to ¼ cup and omit the mustard powder.


• Increase the salt used to a full teaspoon.

Death by Tuna Chicken Salad

This is a variation of a holiday chicken salad recipe I ran into on Allrecipes.com, located here. Ever since the mercury scare I've shied away from tuna, and I never did care much for the soggy mayo-heavy, unimaginative peasant fare I've always associated with that meat. Why go to the sea to get your chickens, anyway, when there's plenty to be found on land?

Preparation: about 30 mins.

Cooking: about 20 mins.

Servings: 8 — 12

Est. cost: about $9

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 4 cups chicken breast, cooked then cubed then shredded.


• ½ cup mayonnaise


• ¾ cup plain lowfat yogurt


• 1 cup dried sweetened cranberries


• ½ cup crushed walnuts


• 1 cup bell peper, diced small


• ½ cup red onion, diced small


• ⅛ tsp. celery seed


• ⅛ tsp. marjoram


• ⅛ tsp. thyme


• ⅛ tsp. lemon zest


• ¼ tsp. white pepper


• 1 tsp. salt

Directions

1. Combine the mayonnaise and yogurt in a small bowl or container and belnd in the lemon zest and spices, and set aside in a refigerator.


2. Steam about four chicken breast halves for about twenty munites, then trim the fat off them and cube with meat scissors or a knife. Transfer — making sure you have exactly 4 cups or just slightly over, but no more than 4¼ cups of the cubed chicken — to a large mixing bowl (min. 2½ qt. capacity) and shred with a masher. Set aside.


3. Prep the vegetable ingredients and combine with the cranberries and crushed walnuts in a medium bowl or container. Set aside.


4. Fold the mayonnaise-yogurt mixture into the shredded chicken until all is disributed uniformly, then fold the vegetables and cranberries and crushed walnuts into the chicken until all is distributed uniformly.


5. Cover and refrigerate at least four hours — preferably overnight — before serving.

Next Time in the Lab

My goal in concocting this variation fo a familiar theme was to avoid what I consider to be a cloying sweetness to the traditional recipes, make it more suitable as a workhorse substitute for that damned poisonous tuna. I may have leapt over the saddle, though, so some minor adjustments are called for.

• Omit the celery seed.


• Substitute freshly crushed black pepper for the white pepper.


• Increase the lemon zest to ¼ teaspoon.


• Increase the thyme to ¼ teaspoon.

Captain Ahab's Artichoke Cæsar Dressing

I don't know what it is, but there's just nothing like an excellent Cæsar salad. Even though I suspect the horrors that live in one of Lovecraft's murky submerged cities may have invented the stuff, since anchovies are an integral part of its flavor.

Prep time: about ½ hour.

Yield: about 16 ounces.

Est. cost: about $6.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 1 cup extra virgin olive oil


• 2 tbsp. fresh garlic


• 2 tbsp. anchovie paste


• 1 tbsp. Dijon mustard


• 1 tbsp. red wine vinegar


• 1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce


• ⅔ cup (roughly three) artichoke hearts


• ½ cup sharp, hard asiago cheese, finely grated


• ½ tsp. capers


• ¼ cup (about one medium) fresh lemon juice


• 3 tbsp. sour cream


• ¼ tsp crushed peppercorns

Directions

1. In a food processor blend the artichoke hearts, garlic cloves, and capers in the olive oil. Set aside.


2. In a medium mixing bowl combine the rest of the ingredients, except for the cheese, and whisk a little until it's all combined fairly uniformly, then pour in the food processor ingredients and continue whisking until it's a smooth, creamy, uniform mixture.


3. Add the cheese a quarter cup at a time and whisk into the dressing until it's all thoroughly blended in.


4. Refrigerate for at least an hour or two before serving.

Next Time in the Lab

Heh! Pretty good! A tad on the tangy side, though, and I imagine a lot of people would consider it too fishy. Wusslings.

• Try reducing the capers to a quarter teaspoon or a third of a teaspoon to cut down some of the bite.


• Reduce the anchovie paste used to four teaspoons for people who balk at the briney blue aspect of the dressing's flavor.

Hoisin Chicken WTF Pizza

I have no idea what this is, even though I know everything that's in it. It tastes good, but it tastes ... different. Indescribably different. But good. Yeah, it's weird. I wanted to see if I could come up with some funky Chinese-style pizza, but instead I came up with a WTF. Oh, well, now I have two new ideas born out of this experiment, and the results of this attempt proved to be edible; so, it's a culinary victory, of sorts.

All the following measurements are for making a seventeen-inch pizza

Preliminaries

Ingredients

• About 1½ lb. pizza dough or enough to make one 17" New York-style pizza.

Today's Specimen

← Sauce

Ingredients

• 4 tbsp. hoisin sauce


• 2 tbsp. soy sauce


• 2 tbsp. teriyaki sauce


• 2 tbsp. tomato puree


• 1 tsp. molasses


• ½ tsp. fresh ginger, mashed in sugar (below)


• 1 tsp. sugar


• 1 tsp. brown sugar


• 4 tbsp. water


• zest from 1 small orange, strips

Directions

1. Just throw it all together in a small saucepot and simmer at a low temperature, covered, for at least an hour.


2. Set aside

← Meat

Ingredients

• 1 lb. chicken breast meat, cubed small


• 2 tbsp. chili garlic paste


• 2 tsp. toasted sesame seeds


• 1 tsp. seasoned rice vinegar

Directions

1. In a small mixing bowl (min. 1½ qt.) stir the garlic paste, sesame seeds, and rice vinegar in with the chicken until it's blended in well, then allow to marinate in the refrigerator for at least an hour.


2. Cook in a medium to large saucepan or frying pan on medium heat, stirring every few minutes, until the chicken is cooked completely. About twenty minutes.


3. Set aside

← Veggie Mix

Ingredients

• 1½ cups red bell pepper, sliced half-julienne


• 1 cup carrot, sliced thinly and halved at the wide end


• 1 cup green onion, sliced 1 inch

Directions

1. Just mix everything together by hand in a medium (min. 2 qt.) mixing bowl.


2. Set aside.

← Cheese Blend

Ingredients

• 1 lb. mozzarella cheese (block), grated


• ½ lb. Monterey cheese (block), grated


• ½ lb. Parmesan cheese (wedge), grated

Directions

1. Grate the mozzarella — or just get it pre-grated — and set it aside in a medium container or small mixing bowl.


2. Grate the Monterey and Parmesan cheeses and combine in large (min. 2 qt.) mixing bowl or large container, mixing well by hand, and set aside.

The Assembly Line

Necessary

• 17" pizza screen

Procedure

Directions of using a pizza stone will differ significantly!

1. Preheat the oven to 500ºF and make sure the rack you're going to use is in the middle or just a tad higher.


2. Knead and roll out the dough on a clean, floured surface until it's thin and large enough a disc to just cover the pizza screen. Or hand-toss it if you've got mad dope skills. Optionally you can sprinkle some sesame seeds on the top of the dough and flip upside down.


3. Place the dough on the screen and stretch it out just a little bit so you can roll the edges to the edge of the screen, just not too thick or uneven.


4. Spread the WTF sauce evenly on the dough up to the raised edge, very lightly so as not to push the dough into the screen perforations and causing the pizza to stick while cooking.


5. Sprinkle the WTF chicken evenly onto the sauce, followed by the veggie mix.


6. Sprinkle the cheese blend evenly on the pizza up to the raised edge.


7. Place the pizza on the screen on the middle rack of the pre-heated oven, turning every five to seven minutes, for about fifteen minutes or until the crust is golden brown.


8. Remove and transfer to a serving surface and allow to cool ten minutes before slicing and serving.

Next Time in the Lab

If I'm going to turn this into the Chinese-style pizza I originally intended to make, I will have to make a lot of changes! First off, the sauce will consist entirely of mostly plumb sauce with some hoisin and maybe a smidgen of seasoned (sweet) rice vinegar added; the chicken will probably end up mixed in a little bit of a thick starch slurry with a load of finely diced fresh garlic, pepper flakes, and sesame seeds added; and the veggie mix will include red onion.

• Change the sauce to ½ cup plumb sauce (preferably home-made), with 2 tbsp. hoisin and 2 tbsp. water (or sweet rice vinegar) added.


• Marinate the chicken in 1 tbsp. of a thick starch slurry, with 2 tbsp. chili flakes, 2 tbsp. finely diced fresh garlic, and 1 tbsp. sesame seeds.


• Add 1½ cups small diced red onion.


• Use the green onion as a garnish to bake on top of the cheese blend.

Chicken & Black Bean Enchilada Casserole

Enchilada casserole is probably right up there with shepherd's pie and corned beef and cabbage with dumplings as the ultimate comfort food. Most enchilada casseroles I've seen suffer a grievous dearth of vegetable ingredients, which is absurd to me because peppers, onions, and garlic are staples of Latin cuisine and really add flavor to any dish. Thus saith the Lord.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 8 6" corn tortillas, halved


• 3 cups chicken breast


• 2 cups poblano pepper, small diced


• 1 cup yellow onion, small diced


• 1 tbsp. habanero pepper, fine diced


• 1 tbsp. garlic, fine diced


• ½ cup cilantro, chopped


• 1 can (14 oz.) diced tomato


• 1 can (14 oz.) black beans


• 1 cup tomato puree


• 1 40z can diced green chilis


• 3 cups enchilada sauce


• 2 cups sour cream


• ½ lb. Monterey Jack cheese, shredded


• ½ lb. Tillamook Vintage White extra sharp cheddar, shredded


• ½ tsp. cumin


• ½ tsp. coriander


• ½ tsp. marjoram


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350ºF.


2. Steam the chicken breasts for about twenty-five minutes to half an hour and cut into bite-sized pieces and set aside.


3. In a large saucepan on medium simmer the chicken with the beans (with juice), diced tomato (with juice), poblano, onion, habanero, garlic, cilantro, tomato puree and spices for about half an hour or until the mixture is reduced to a very thick stew-like consistency and the veggies are somewhat soft. Be sure to stire this regularly, about every ten minutes.


4. Pour a cup of the enchilada sauce on the bottom of a casserole pan and spread evenly on the bottom, pour a quarter of the meat-veggie mixture and spread evenly and top with 8 tortilla halves — covering the mixture completely.


5. Pour half of the remaining meat-veggie mixture on top of the tortilla halves in an even layer, top with one cup of enchilada sauce spread evenly then one cup of sour cream spread evenly, then half of the cheese — blended together. Again cover with eight tortilla halves.


6. Repeat the previous layer in the same order with the remaining meat-veggie mix, enchilada sauce, sour cream, and cheese blend. Tops evenly with green chilis.


7. Cover the casserole with foil and bake on the middle rack in the preheated oven for forty-five minutes. Remove the foil and bake open for another fifteen minutes.


8. Let cool for ten minutes before serving.

When I lay down the tortilla halves I place one edgewise along the sides of each of the shorter lengths of the pan and two edgewise next to each other on each of the long sides of the pan, so that the arcs face inward. Then I just lay the two remaining halves diagonally in the middle with the flat edges facing each other.

Next Time in the Lab

I'm not too sure what to do with this. I mean, it's delicious, but it's such a damn gloopy mess that I can't help but think some of the liquid ingredients need to be reduced in order to thicken the mass up some. Yeah, these are just ideas, ones that I suspect may somehow possibly diminish the flavor of the casserole.

• Eliminate the addition of the tomato puree to the meat-veggie blend.


• Reduce the meat-veggie mixture until there's very little liquid remaining, just enough to moisten the mixture; this could take nearer forty minutes.


• Reduce the total use of sour cream to 12 oz., 6 oz. for each layer.

Red Enchilada Sauce

God invented enchilada sauce because he got sick and tired of that runny brown gravy they always served him at the Shari's he could never adequately explain the Michael why he always dined at. If you've been buying this stuff pre-made, in cans, you've been played for a chump. It's no trouble at all to make at home and tastes so much better you'd start looking for Moabites to slaughter after you've tasted it.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 3 tsp. low-sodium vegetable broth paste


• 3 cups water


• 4 tbsp. tomato paste


• 2 tsp. garlic, crushed


• 3 tbsp. flour


• 3 tbsp. chil powder


• 1 tsp. oregano


• 1 tsp. cocoa powder


• 1 tsp. cane sugar


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. In a small sauce pot on medium-low heat mix the vegetable paste in the water and then add the flour and chili powder one tablespoon at a time, whisking in thoroughly. Add the other spices and whisk in until thoroughly blended, then the tomato paste one tablespoon at a time. Once everything is added whisk for about a minute more to make sure it's all blended in properly.


2. As soon as the sauce starts to boil bring the temperature down to low and let it simmer for about half an hour, stirring with the whisk every ten minutes. The sauce is ready when it's of a thick, soupy consistency, like a thin split-pea soup.


3. Serve it directly if you want to, but for best results let it cool and thicken for at least four hours first.

Next Time in the Lab

I've already messed with this enough times to know that there's nothing I want to do to it. If you want it thicker you can just simmer it another fifteen to thirty minutes uncovered; don't add more tomato paste or it will taste too much like tomato!

Barbecue Chicken Pizza

Ever since I worked at this Greek restaurant up in Seattle years ago, one where this crazy-gullible Austrian evangelical Christian siphoned all the profits into Benny Hinn's bullshit televangelist coffers and as a result eventually went out of business, I've always wanted to make a barbecue pizza; the one there was pretty good. This one is logarithmically better.

All the following measurements are for making a fourteen-inch pizza

Preliminaries

Ingredients

• About 1 lb. pizza dough or enough to make one 14" thin-crust pizza.


• 2 cups chicken breast meat, cut into bite-sized pieces.


• 1¼ cup barbecue sauce.

Today's Specimen

← Veggie Mix

Ingredients

• 1 cup red onion, half julienne


• 1 cup annaheim pepper, diced


• 1 cup cup orange bell pepper, diced


• 1 cup tomato, diced

Directions

1. Mix all vegetables but the tomato together and set aside, keeping the tomato separate.

← Cheese Blend

Ingredients

• 4 oz. low-moisture mozarella


• 4 oz. Monterey jack


• 4 oz. Tillamook Vintage White extra sharp cheddar

Directions

1. Grate all cheeses and mix together thoroughly and set aside.

The Assembly Line

Necessary

• 14" pizza screen

Procedure

1. Preheat the oven to 500ºF and make sure the rack you're going to use is in the middle or just a tad higher.


2. Knead and roll out the dough on a clean, floured surface until it's thin and large enough a disc to just cover the pizza screen. Or hand-toss it if you've got mad dope skills. Optionally you can sprinkle some corn meal on the top of the dough and flip upside down.


3. Place the dough on the screen and stretch it out just a little bit so you can roll the edges to the edge of the screen, just not too thick or uneven.


4. Spread the barbecue sauce evenly on the dough up to the raised edge, very lightly so as not to push the dough into the screen perforations and causing the pizza to stick while cooking.


5. Sprinkle the shredded chicken evenly on the sauce, followed by the veggie mix, but not the tomato yet.


6. Sprinkle the cheese blend evenly on the pizza up to the edge, followed by the diced tomato on top.


7. Place the pizza on the screen on the middle rack of the pre-heated oven, turning every five to seven minutes, for about fifteen minutes or until the crust is golden brown.


8. Remove and transfer to a serving surface and allow to cool ten minutes before slicing and serving

Next Time in the Lab

There's not a single fucking thing I would do to change this! Okay, well, maybe add some cilantro.

• Add ½ cup cilantro to the pizza, just after spreading the barbecue sauce.

Spicy KC-Style BBQ Sauce

A world without a good home-made barbecue sauce would be about as bland as a world ruled by evangelical Christians. I hate how the stuff in jars and bottles in the grocery stores mostly tastes like high fructose corn syrup with a hint of some other vaguely smokey and pungent flavor. That's just garbage. If I wanted to serve up a rack of ribs, I'd insist on a REAL barbecue sauce, just like I'd insist on using real hickory or apple chips while cooking them.

Today's Specimen

Ingredients

• 1 cup chili sauce


• ½ cup spicy Dijon mustard


• 1 cup green bell pepper, julienne


• 1 cup yellow onion, large dice


• 1 tbsp. garlic, small dice


• 1 tbsp. habanero pepper, small dice


• 1 cup red wine vinegar


• ¾ cup brown sugar


• ¼ cup unsulphered molasses


• 1 tbsp. unsalted butter


• 1 tbsp. hickory-flavored liquid smoke


• 1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce


• 1 tsp. paprika


• ¼ tsp. chili powder


• ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper


• ⅛ tsp. cinnamon


• ⅛ tsp. celery seed


• 1 tsp. black pepper


• 1 tsp. salt


• 1 tbsp. olive oil

Directions

1. Saute the vegetable over medium heat in olive oil until the onion starts to grow translucent, about seven to ten minutes, stirring frequently.


2. Transfer the vegetables to a food processor and puree with the red wine vinegar and set aside.


3. In the same sauce pan used to saute the vegetables, on medium-low heat, combine the chili sauce, Dijon mustard, molasses, brown sugar, liquid smoke, and Worcestershire sauce and whisk until everything is evenly mixed.


4. Stir the vegetables pureed in the red wine vinegar into the sauce, then whisk in all the spices, making sure everything is blended well.


5. Simmer the sauce for an hour, adding a quarter-cup of water every now and then to make sure it doesn't get too thick. Allow the sauce to reduce down to just slightly thicker than the consistency of a tomato puree. You'll want to check on it every twenty minutes to stir and add water as needed.


6. Allow the sauce to cool and then store in the fridge in a covered container or jar or bottle (about 20 oz. capacity) for at least a couple hours before serving, preferably overnight.

Next Time in the Lab

Damn, I have no idea what I'd do to improve this! Well, ideas, but it's just fine the way it is. Still, no rest for the wicked, right? Not even for wicked sauces.

• Add a teaspoon of fresh ginger to the veggie mix.


• Add half a cup of cilantro to the veggie mix.


• Use a Serrano pepper, oven-roasted, to the veggie mix, instead of the habanero.


• Try using a less spicy mustard, like a brown deli mustard, in the same amount.


• Omit the Worcestershire sauce.


• Add a pinch (⅛ tsp.) of nutmeg.


• Add one star anise to the sauce, to be removed after the sauce has simmered.

Greek Chicken Gyro Pizza

I love Greek/Lebanese food and have always enjoyed grabbing a nice gyro at a neighborhood deli or cart to scarf down while walking down the street toward the library, a bar, or whatever. It occurred to me that a gyro would make a nice pizza, and so I had to give it a shot. Turned out to be a bit tricky, but promising.

Today's Specimen

All the following measurements are for making a fourteen-inch pizza.

← Sauce

Ingredients

• 1 cup tzaziki sauce


• 2 oz. goat cheese

Directions

1. Just mix the two together really well, first softening the goat cheese up in the microwave for ten to twenty seconds.

← Meat

Ingredients

• ½ lb. chicken breast, steamed and shredded


• 1 tsp. ground cumin


• ¼ tsp. black pepper


• ¼ tsp. salt

Directions

1. Just mix everything together really well, using the masher to most effectively evenly distribute the ingredients.

← Veggie Mix

Ingredients

• ½ cup green bell pepper, half-length julienne


• ½ cup red onion, half-length julienne


• ½ cup Kalamata olives, pitted and halved


• ¼ cup pepperocini, sliced


• ⅔ cup tomato, diced

Directions

1. Mix everything but the tomato in a mixing bowl, keeping the tomato set aside in its own small container.

← Cheese Blend

Ingredients

• ¼ lb. hard Asiago cheese


• 6 oz. crumbled feta cheese

Directions

1. Grate the Asiago and crumble the feta and keep both set aside separately.

The Assembly Line

Necessary

• About a pound of pizza dough, or enough to make one 14"-inch pizza.


• A pizza stone or a pizza screen, preferably the pizza screen.

Procedure

The following instructions are for a pizza screen.

1. Preheat the oven to 500ºF and make sure the rack you're going to use is in the middle or just a tad higher.


2. Knead and roll out the dough on a clean, floured surface until it's thin and large enough a disc to just cover the pizza screen. Or hand-toss it if you've got mad dope skills. Optionally you can sprinkle some corn meal on the top of the dough and flip upside down.


3. Place the dough on the screen and stretch it out just a little bit so you can roll the edges to the edge of the screen, just not too thick or uneven.


4. Spread the tzaziki-and-goat-cheese evenly on the dough up to the raised edge, very lightly so as not to push the dough into the screen perforations and causing the pizza to stick while cooking.


5. Sprinkle the shredded chicken evenly on the sauce, followed by the veggie mix, but not the tomato yet.


6. Sprinkle the grated Asiago evenly on the pizza up to the edge, followed by the crumbled feta. Now sprinkle the tomato on top of the cheeses and other ingredients.


7. Place the pizza on the screen on the middle rack of the pre-heated oven, turning every five to seven minutes, for about fifteen minutes or until the crust is golden brown and the Asiago cheese has browned slightly.


8. Remove and transfer to a serving surface and allow to cool ten minutes before slicing and serving.

Next Time in the Lab

Hmm, promising, but this needs some work. First off, I'm thinking the goat cheese needs to leave the tzaziki alone. The chicken was a little overspiced and so it would probably be best to tone that down; it should also be measured in cups instead of pounds. As for the veggie mix, it was good but the olives and pepperocinis should probably be served on the side, since a lot of people don't like them; or at least the pepperocini should be served on the side. As for the cheese blend, I'm thinking of making it a three-quarter mix of goat cheese, soft Asiago, and feta crumbles.

• Omit the goat cheese from the tzaziki sauce and increase the tzaziki sauce to 1¼ cups.


• Increase the green bell pepper in the veggie mix to ⅔ cup and omit the pepperocini, to serve instead as one whole pepperocini on the side per slice. Also, ensure the olive isn't kept in oil or a seasoned brine but just in water, otherwise it will overpower the flavor of the pizza.


• Decrease the cumin in the shredded chicken to ½ tsp., the salt and black pepper each to ⅛ tsp. Also, instead of ½ lbs. shredded chicken, measure it out as 2 cups shredded chicken (about two breast halves).


• Add either ½ cup cilantro or ½ parsley to the pizza, just after spreading the tzaziki sauce.


• Change the cheese blend to 6 oz. crumbled goat cheese with 4 oz. crumbled feta, topped with 4 oz. grated soft Asiago.


• Try using lamb instead of chicken, also 2 cups and cut into slightly bite-size pieces.