Hoisin Chicken WTF Pizza

I have no idea what this is, even though I know everything that's in it. It tastes good, but it tastes ... different. Indescribably different. But good. Yeah, it's weird. I wanted to see if I could come up with some funky Chinese-style pizza, but instead I came up with a WTF. Oh, well, now I have two new ideas born out of this experiment, and the results of this attempt proved to be edible; so, it's a culinary victory, of sorts.

All the following measurements are for making a seventeen-inch pizza

Preliminaries

Ingredients

• About 1½ lb. pizza dough or enough to make one 17" New York-style pizza.

Today's Specimen

← Sauce

Ingredients

• 4 tbsp. hoisin sauce


• 2 tbsp. soy sauce


• 2 tbsp. teriyaki sauce


• 2 tbsp. tomato puree


• 1 tsp. molasses


• ½ tsp. fresh ginger, mashed in sugar (below)


• 1 tsp. sugar


• 1 tsp. brown sugar


• 4 tbsp. water


• zest from 1 small orange, strips

Directions

1. Just throw it all together in a small saucepot and simmer at a low temperature, covered, for at least an hour.


2. Set aside

← Meat

Ingredients

• 1 lb. chicken breast meat, cubed small


• 2 tbsp. chili garlic paste


• 2 tsp. toasted sesame seeds


• 1 tsp. seasoned rice vinegar

Directions

1. In a small mixing bowl (min. 1½ qt.) stir the garlic paste, sesame seeds, and rice vinegar in with the chicken until it's blended in well, then allow to marinate in the refrigerator for at least an hour.


2. Cook in a medium to large saucepan or frying pan on medium heat, stirring every few minutes, until the chicken is cooked completely. About twenty minutes.


3. Set aside

← Veggie Mix

Ingredients

• 1½ cups red bell pepper, sliced half-julienne


• 1 cup carrot, sliced thinly and halved at the wide end


• 1 cup green onion, sliced 1 inch

Directions

1. Just mix everything together by hand in a medium (min. 2 qt.) mixing bowl.


2. Set aside.

← Cheese Blend

Ingredients

• 1 lb. mozzarella cheese (block), grated


• ½ lb. Monterey cheese (block), grated


• ½ lb. Parmesan cheese (wedge), grated

Directions

1. Grate the mozzarella — or just get it pre-grated — and set it aside in a medium container or small mixing bowl.


2. Grate the Monterey and Parmesan cheeses and combine in large (min. 2 qt.) mixing bowl or large container, mixing well by hand, and set aside.

The Assembly Line

Necessary

• 17" pizza screen

Procedure

Directions of using a pizza stone will differ significantly!

1. Preheat the oven to 500ºF and make sure the rack you're going to use is in the middle or just a tad higher.


2. Knead and roll out the dough on a clean, floured surface until it's thin and large enough a disc to just cover the pizza screen. Or hand-toss it if you've got mad dope skills. Optionally you can sprinkle some sesame seeds on the top of the dough and flip upside down.


3. Place the dough on the screen and stretch it out just a little bit so you can roll the edges to the edge of the screen, just not too thick or uneven.


4. Spread the WTF sauce evenly on the dough up to the raised edge, very lightly so as not to push the dough into the screen perforations and causing the pizza to stick while cooking.


5. Sprinkle the WTF chicken evenly onto the sauce, followed by the veggie mix.


6. Sprinkle the cheese blend evenly on the pizza up to the raised edge.


7. Place the pizza on the screen on the middle rack of the pre-heated oven, turning every five to seven minutes, for about fifteen minutes or until the crust is golden brown.


8. Remove and transfer to a serving surface and allow to cool ten minutes before slicing and serving.

Next Time in the Lab

If I'm going to turn this into the Chinese-style pizza I originally intended to make, I will have to make a lot of changes! First off, the sauce will consist entirely of mostly plumb sauce with some hoisin and maybe a smidgen of seasoned (sweet) rice vinegar added; the chicken will probably end up mixed in a little bit of a thick starch slurry with a load of finely diced fresh garlic, pepper flakes, and sesame seeds added; and the veggie mix will include red onion.

• Change the sauce to ½ cup plumb sauce (preferably home-made), with 2 tbsp. hoisin and 2 tbsp. water (or sweet rice vinegar) added.


• Marinate the chicken in 1 tbsp. of a thick starch slurry, with 2 tbsp. chili flakes, 2 tbsp. finely diced fresh garlic, and 1 tbsp. sesame seeds.


• Add 1½ cups small diced red onion.


• Use the green onion as a garnish to bake on top of the cheese blend.